It is eight months since I last picked up a pen or paintbrush.
I had long ago decided that was that whatever I would produce would never be good enough* - and so if it wasn't going to turn out perfectly then clearly there is no point in trying. Right now I am actively fighting that thought - my inner critic is being bolstered by a perfectly timed episode of depression.
So I'm planning to prove her wrong, to minimise the destruction and pain she can cause.
Step one was the hardest. Sitting down and creating. Ok, so I've yet to get the paints out - but I'm sewing, stitching, using clay and markers. I'm basically attacking her with as many art supplies as possible.
I finished a beautiful Satsuma Street pattern: "It always seems impossible until it is done." A Nelson Mandela quote - quite apt for my current circumstances. (I highly recommend her patterns - I've already stitched Cat in the Garden).
I'm working on a clay doll right now. Last week I pulled out some Paper Clay to work with and it was awful... my Inner Critic™ had a joyous time. The clay wouldn't stick to the material I used for the body, the finish was rough and after drying it was weak and easily crumbled when pressed. Which turned out to be satisfying stress relief.
Ok. Breathe. An artist doesn't blame his or her materials but dammit it was definitely the clay. I ordered 1kg of DAS from Amazon and as soon as it arrived I got to work again.
This is her drying with her second layer of clay. The final layer will be creating her face. DAS turned out to be very easy to use, light weight and tough! And now I have 1kg to use....
For reasons unknown to me I always feel like quilting during the summer. Always. Even though it involves me sitting under the bulk of a quilt while I stitch.
It is summer. I have returned to quilting.
It's a King-sized quilt I have worked on for some time (obviously). I took it down earlier in the week and discovered that I have almost finished it. I have 3 blocks left and then the border and finally the binding. I'm hand stitching the remaining 3 blocks and I have ordered a foot for my machine - I have no idea if it will work but I'm going to try!
So if step one is CREATING then step two is REVIEWING. Today my inner critic is on a soap box yelling her lungs out - but taking a moment to review what I have created this week reminds me that I can create things that make me (and others) happy. That I can look at work I have created and be proud.
And onwards we charge. In December I had a moment of madness/clarity and joined Life Book 2016. So far I have yet to log in to the classes. I was so happy to hear from others in the same boat and it has encouraged me to jump in. So expect LB updates soon!
I can't silence my inner critic, I don't know of any magic words or spells that will shush her. The only thing I can say is that listening to her makes her stronger. Giving in to her is easier than fighting through but eventually she will paralyse you.
*And no, I have no idea what 'good enough' actually is. If you know then please do tell me.
Hello world, so... it's fair to say I have almost disappeared from social media. It's a year. I know it's a year because I lived it. I do want to explain myself but right now I am struggling to find the words, the right words, and my brain feels as though it is wrapped in duvet and refusing to cooperate.
For now I am taking long walks, following long forgotten paths through woods, trying to refresh a weary soul...
All men have stars, but they are not the same things for different people.
For some, who are travellers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems... But all these stars are silent.
You-You alone will have stars as no one else has them...
In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars will be laughing when you look at the sky at night..You, only you, will have stars that can laugh!
And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me... You will always be my friend.You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure . . . And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky!
Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!' And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I shall have played on you...
‘Yes Please!’ is less a memoir and more a series of life lessons interspersed with poems, notes and photographs. The book mainly focusses on her career with a scattering of childhood, parenting and feminism.
There is nothing wrong with making an apology when needed (and Amy devotes a chapter to such a story) but the one thing we do learn is that Amy is a smart, determined hardworking woman and she is not prepared to downplay or apologise for her success.
In 2008 Baby Mama was being released and “(She) was in the middle of one of those weird press pushes where your face is on taxis and you are doing talk shows all the time,” (her friend) “went on and on about how weird that was. He pointed out that people were really starting to know my name and asked me if I ‘could believe it.’ ‘Yes,’ I said. I had worked for over a decade to get to this moment.”
This is a message repeated through-out the book. Take your success, your strengths, your life… and OWN IT!
I will confess that I want to knock off Tina Fey and have Amy as my BFF so I do regret that the book did not hit every mark for me. To start with I’m not a fan of interactive books. I don’t need blank pages to write my birth story. I also don’t like pages of lists (Amy fabricates a list of divorce self-help books).
I’m also not a fan of guest writers. Amy’s parents make contributions along with SNL co-host Seth Meyers and Parks & Recreation writer and producer Michael Schur.
At one point the name dropping became a little too much – the reader is expected to be familiar with the people and their work. As somebody from outside the US I have never watched an episode of SNL – it’s not available to view (with the exception of random YT clips) and so the people involved are not on my register.
So… should you read it? If you are a fan of Amy Poehler then absolutely, if you are wondering Amy who? Then no. This book doesn’t stand alone and relies on the reader to be familiar with the people and productions involved.
Before I go I think it’s only fair that I share some of Amy’s words of wisdom. "Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It's expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end." "It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for. It takes years to find your voice and seize your real estate."
“That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again. Good for her! Not for me.” "Watching great people do what you love is a good way to start learning how to do it yourself." "There is an unspoken pact that women are supposed to follow. I am supposed to act like I constantly feel guilty about being away from my kids. (I don't. I love my job.) Mothers who stay at home are supposed to pretend they are bored and wish they were doing more corporate things. (They don't. They love their job.)" "I am a fan of porn. It can be a very nice accompaniment to an evening of self-pleasure. It's as important as a good wine pairing."
I didn't quite make the 50 book mark last year but I did uncover some gems. Some releases were long anticipated and noted in my diary, others strongly recommended by friends and then there was the random finds.
1 // The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt. When a bomb explodes in the Metropolitan Museum of Art Theo Decker loses his mother. Theo escapes unharmed and with him a priceless painting. This painting becomes a symbol for Theo's grief and, like a Dicken's novel, we follow him as he grows up, always keeping the painting hidden.
Sweet mother of all things literary I was waiting for this release and yes, I was one of those people who opened every conversation in 2014 with, "So the Goldfinch? Have you read it yet?" Was I disappointed? No. Is it better than her previous books? Mh, no.
This book left me feeling anxious - I had a gnawing sensation in the pit of my stomach from the explosion through to every single decision Theo made on his journey. I can't say I even warmed to the characters - Theo is clearly suffering from PTSD, he is eaten up with grief and eventually develops an opiate addiction. At the very least I expected to feel sympathetic to him but those moments were fleeting.
Regardless of characters or plot nobody can deny that Donna Tartt can write. She is an artist and a poet.
2 // The Silkworm - Robert Galbraith (J.K. Rowling) In this second instalment of the Cormoran Strike series the Private Investigator returns to solve a new mystery. Novelist Owen Quine has disappeared. Initially this is not suspicious, he has done this before, but his wife hires Strike to find him. As Strike investigates he discovers Quine is on the brink of publishing a tell-all manuscript that identifies key players in the literary world. When the mutilated corpse of Quine is found Strike begins a race against time to catch a killer.
Of course I had this on pre-order! I loved The Casual Vacancy and devoured The Cuckoo's Calling. If there are any complaints it's the unresolved sexual tension between Robin and Strike. I hate Robin's boyfriend and her excuses for him. I want Robin to develop as a character - she is eager to learn and she does chip in with sleuthing but at the end of the day her job is to answer the phones and 'support' Strike.
In early December it was announced the series would be adapted for television on BBC One (and FYI a three part adaptation of The Casual Vacancy will air on BBC One in February 2015). Can't. Wait.
3 // When God Was A Rabbit - Sarah Winman A beautifully written coming of age story about a little girl and her brother. The first thing to point out about this book is that it deviates from the standard coming-of-age because it has no specific goal. Elly is not on a psychological or moral quest. There are no mysteries to uncover. The book is filled with thirty years of disjointed snapshots from the lives of eccentric characters - and most importantly is Winman's subtlety when writing - often or not the story lies in what is not said. A magical book and a very quick read - this won't be one for everybody.
4 // Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer. Nine year old Oskar's father is killed in the September 11th terrorist attacks. Two years later Oskar finds a key in his father's belongings and sets out on a scavenger hunt. On the way his life becomes intertwined with that of strangers leading him throughout New York, Hiroshima and Dresden.
I can't fault this book. Any questions I have about the plot or characters are buried under fantastic writing - this book is full of one liners that will stay with you.
6 // The Book Thief - Markus Zusak The scene is set during World War II and our narrator, we are told, is Death. You would assume Death would be an all knowing narrator but this isn't the case - most of the story is taken up with Death trying to decipher the human condition and any knowledge he gains is from the souls he collects. The main protagonist is Liesel Meminger, a young girl on the brink of adolescence. We watch as her life unfold during the war - a beautiful, lyrical, caustic story that will break and mend your heart many times over.
7 // Wild - Cheryl Strayed This was an excellent start to the new year. Think 'Eat, Pray, Love' with blisters, missing toenails and addiction. In her mid-twenties Cheryl Strayed felt lost. Her beloved mother died and her remaining family began to grow apart and scatter across the US. Then her marriage fell apart. With absolutely no prior experience or training Cheryl impulsively decided to take on the Pacific Crest Trail - from the Mojave Desert through to Washington State. Alone. We following her physical and mental journey infused with snapshots of her past. Eventually acceptance and healing do come - but at a cost.
8 // Is Everyone Hanging Out without Me?: (and Other Concerns) - Mindy Kaling This is your chance to sit down and have a coffee with Mindy. Conversational in tone, this book is comprised of a series of essays which are a lot more thoughtful than the titles would suggest. This is a two-hour read (see! coffee!) - if you love The Office and female comedians then this book is for you!
9 // Lost Memory of Skin - Russell Banks Right. This is a book I've recommended to many people but as soon as I start describing it I start to get defensive. Firstly I'd never heard of Russell Banks before this book but I'm certainly planning to follow up with more of his work. Secondly the summary. This book will be a wake-up call to many people. The protagonist is a twenty-two year old registered sex offender (Wait! Come back! This is where I lose people!) we know only as, 'The Kid'. When we meet the Kid he is just released from prison and as part of his probation he must wear a GPS tracker and cannot reside any closer than 2.5km from any area that under 18's might gather - one of the few places available to The Kid is a tent in a causeway inhabited by the ill, unfortunate and dangerous. The book does not delve into the actions of sex offenders. The Kid agreed to meet a young girl he met online. When he calls to her house he is met by her father who has informed the police. This book humanises those on the outskirts of society - you might find yourself questioning how society treats these permanent outcasts and how we may have created a culture that contributes to their corruption.
Ok, not bad. I ended the year reading Amy Phoeler and A Storm of Swords (the third book in the Game of Thrones series). Almost made it to 31 books :) Here's to 2015 and another attempt at 50 novels!
No sooner had actress, director and writer Lena Dunham’s debut book hit the shelves but it began rocketing up the charts. Lena is known as a lightning rod for controversy - whether she courts it or not it will find her, and in this instance the controversy was unprecedented.
To the best of my knowledge the trouble began when Kevin Williamson wrote a scathing attack on Dunham under the guise of being a critique of the memoir. It is worth noting that the book was released at least a month before any of the accusations of abuse and molestation began - but it was from that point the tills really started to ring.
In her memoir Lena recalls several incidents as a very young child. Once, aged seven, she writes that "curiosity got the best" of her and she opened Grace's vagina only to find the toddler had hidden "pebbles in there". “My mother didn’t bother asking why I had opened Grace’s vagina,” Dunham wrote. “This was within the spectrum of things that I did.” Later she describes trying to bribe her sister into kissing her on the lips, “Basically, anything a sexual predator might do to woo a small suburban girl, I was trying,”
On Nov 3rd Grace Dunham indirectly addressed the accusations of abuse through a series of vague tweets seemingly directed at her sister’s critics.
Grace, quite rightly, points out that it is not our place (or that of the media) to assign her the role of victim when she quite clearly does not feel victimised. This is a problematic statement - to many survivors it may take years before they can find the vocabulary to describe such events and some will choose to remain silent due to ongoing familial relationships.
However it is Grace's right that we respect her view of these experiences.
Unlike the media guidelines for the reporting of suicide and self-harm there are no guidelines to protect victims of sexual abuse and rape. The anguish many victims will have felt in recent weeks can only be exasperated by the was-it-wasn’t-it cacophony.
For those people who feel the need to defend Lena's actions they should remember that any addition to the ongoing chorus is damaging not only to the persons involved but to genuine victims of sexual abuse and assault - especially to those who fell victim by the hands of siblings or other minors. People should understand their words carry weight and a quick off the cuff remark may leave many victims feeling as though their experiences and hurt are invalid.
I’ll admit to being confused by those who herald Lena Dunham as, ‘the voice of (our) generation’, or as Hannah proclaims to her parents in the pilot of Girls, 'at least the voice of a generation'.
Lena is 28. She was raised in an extremely privileged NY environment where Mommy and Daddy are well respected creative artists. Lena and her parents spent their time in ongoing therapy and her "mother's psychic Dmitri, who smelled of essential oils and walked around our house investigating 'energies'". She recalls masturbating in the only bathroom of the Long Island summer house that had a lock on the door.
The book is composed of a series of essays and the book itself is presented as "hopeful dispatches from the frontlines" of a girl with a keen interest in having it all. Unfortunately it falls short.
Lena, regardless of whether you personally believe she is talented, is extremely successful and driven. I had hoped she would expand upon the experiences and knowledge she has gleaned from her short years. It almost felt as though Lena's privilege and success are just so given it would be almost rude to comment on them. In the same way Hannah Horvath stumbles into a book deal Lena casually mentions Girls as a matter of course. And yes, it is impossible to review this book without mentioning Girls - many stories from the book (some were used in the series) could almost be used as scripts.
In the end the book was a disappointment. The "dispatches" had little or no purpose. We learn nothing new of Lena's character or that of her family. She almost immediately announces herself as an 'unreliable narrator' and that she is.
I wondered how much embellishment each story had - or which were total fabrications.
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